My First (and probably last) Facial

I got my first facial today.

I was goaded into it. Apparently my skin was in terrible shape and something had to be done.

I had to fill out a questionnaire before we started.

IS YOUR SKIN OILY OR DRY?

How do I know?

The truth is it's oily in some spots and dry as a bone in other areas.

It's kind of like the Middle East.

HOW MUCH WATER DO YOU CONSUME A DAY?

Gosh, I never counted it before.

Most of the time I drink water right before I pass out- I mean turn in for the night.

I'd have to say about half a glass.

HOW MANY CUPS OF COFFEE DO YOU CONSUME IN A DAY?

Wait a minute. Is this a trick question?

Doesn't coffee have WATER in it?

A better question might be how many pots of coffee do you consume in a day?

HOW MUCH ALCOHOL DO YOU CONSUME IN A WEEK?

I knew this question was coming.

Who wants to sound like a wino at the spa?

I'll just say 6 drinks a week.

With the questionnaire suitably doctored, I headed into the facial room.

The lights were low and there was Coldplay on the stereo.

Yes, whenever you're buying Chardonnay or getting a facial, Coldplay is on in the background.

I laid on my back and a perky asian woman came into the room.

I tried to banish any thoughts of a "happy ending" and just relax.

"It's a good thing you came in today." She said.

"I've got a lot of work to do."

Wow. I guess twenty years of booze, cigarette smoke and breakfast tacos can make for bad complexion.

I've never really noticed it before. Of course, I play in nightclubs for a living.

Not exactly "Queer Eye" territory.

Facials really are relaxing, if you consider having someone squeeze crap out of your pores relaxing.

Personally I found it painful and somewhat pointless.

In a few weeks, I'll just need another facial and it's not really in the budget.

They did talk me into buying some sort of soap to use on my face in the shower.

I guess Irish Spring is a little too harsh.

Now I have a special soap for my face that I have to remember to pack on my next trip.

This is the problem with modern life.

It's too fucking complicated.